Stop Criticising Yourself All The Time
Posted: Tuesday, June 12, 2007
by Anja Merret
Anja Merret
Somebody once explained to me that we have an invisible parrot sitting on our shoulder that continuously tells us how bad we are. It tells us how we messed up in the interview, totally bombed out during the test, said the wrong thing, scored the lowest mark, cooked a lousy dinner, handed in a terrible financial report etc etc. That voice tells us constantly how badly we have failed.
If you ever checked other people as to what they thought of your report, speech, presentation, the job you have just completed, the relationship with your wife and whatever else is bothering you. The people will tell you that your speech was inspiring, your report was an eye opener in its detail and analysis, you have a fabulous relationship with your family. And the list goes on.
But you don’t believe them do you? Your parrot is much more powerful in the opinions whispered in your ear. You don’t believe the evidence in front of you, the report card that scores an A for you, the wife who tells you you are wonderful and she loves you, your staff who applaud you. None of that is as powerful as that darn parrot sitting on your shoulder telling you what a failure you are.
So why do we do this to ourselves? We constantly run ourselves down. Nothing is ever good enough. We could have done this better, we failed at the other. It’s a constant voice of gloom and doom. And we listen to this all the time and we take it seriously and we believe it. It is painful and harmful. And it does nothing for us. But we keep on doing it. Why?
I am sure many psychiatrists make a lot of money working out the why of our obsessions with our internal self-critic. That’s not something I can hazard a guess at. All I can say is that it is self-destructive. And it is something you and everybody else, myself included, can stop. We can actually tell that parrot to keep quiet. We can tell that parrot that we don’t believe him. And we can move on and bring happiness and peace into our lives.
One of the best defenses against the parrot is to question in your mind whether what your self-doubt has just told you is in fact true. Without emotion, examine the self-doubt that parrot has just whispered in your ear. Is this statement true? Examine whether you have sufficient evidence to determine whether that statement is true. For example, you look in the mirror and you gasp and say, I have put on so much weight. You try on your regular pair of jeans and they fit as before.
But you don’t believe that do you? You have put on weight. The mirror tells you. The parrot tells you. It must be true. The jeans have stretched with age, that’s why they still fit. If you actually allow the evidence to show you, if you believe in truthful analysis, you will find that the bulk of the stuff your mind-talk tells you, is the biggest load of rubbish. And it keeps you back from exploding with achievements, happiness and self-contentment.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Excellent piece, Anja! It's true, we do all seem to have those voices. Even narcissists have them, only theirs probably tell them the opposite. Serious self-insight is one solution. I would add, however, that we must look at our strengths and talents and focus on those. Work at them instead of listening to the self-doubts. Then we can grow confidence in knowing we are good at something, despite those voices. Sylvia
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